Um, yeah.

So Philip called me night before last to say that Corinna is pregnant! She's due in November. This announcement is simultaneously fantastic and terrifying. I'm really happy for them, and Corinna's been wanting a baby for a long time now. It's just the way that it affects me that's scary.

From the time I was a little girl, I've been wanting to be a mom. When other kids were thinking about potential careers, I was thinking more about my future children. I have never wondered about whether I wanted to have kids; I've always wanted them. So now I'm in this place in my life (married, financially stable, house, emotionally mature [more or less]) where I really am ready for babies.

But I have always kind of resisted change. Change is so scary for me. I guess it is for lots of people. But I keep thinking about the things I won't be able to do after we have kids. We won't be making as much money, so I won't be able to buy everything I want or to take trips. I won't have the time to devote to my hobbies. I won't be able to lounge around on Saturday morning or crash in front of the TV after work. I'll have to act like a grown up and keep my house clean and eat actual balanced meals. Big changes, in other words.

So I keep putting it off. I mean, I've only been married for nine months, but mentally, I keep moving the kid date out into the future. I have things I want to do: build a deck, pay off some debt, pave our driveway, go to Egypt, write a book, etc. Yet, when I look at any of these items, or even all of them together, would I trade having children for them? Of course not. I was born to be a mother. It's my calling.

On the other hand, do I have the patience? I mean, I freak out at the dog sometimes. Granted, it's when she comes up all affectionate and panting with cat litter on her muzzle and shit breath. Or it's when she stops and looks at me and doesn't come when I call her. But am I too harsh? Would I be that way with kids? I am very strict with the dog. I probably don't play with her often enough. I don't want to be that kind of mom. Of course, kids don't eat cat shit, do they?

I also feel that the longer I wait, the more likely it is that I won't be able to have children at all. This may not be a super rational belief. It's just that I'm 28 now. I want at least two children, and I'd really like to space them about three and a half years apart. And I might even want three kids (though Magnus does not seem keen on this idea). So the clock is ticking. Actually, it's more like that annoying alarm sound that makes your heart beat a little faster.

And I want my kids to play with Philip's kids. I really, really want that.

So what is the answer? I guess it's painfully obvious, really. Stop putting it off. Have kids soon.

It makes sense too. We make sacrifices for the people we love. That's part of loving someone sometimes. And I love my future children more than almost anything. I haven't even met them yet, but I can almost feel what it's like to hold them. And the sacrifices will begin before they are even born. But the sacrifices are small really, aren't they? Who needs a paved driveway when you can actually meet these people you've been waiting your whole life to love?