Um, yeah.

In my boredom today, I was doing a little internet research on childhood memory.  I’m not sure what made me think of it, but it’s always been interesting to me.  The classic, long-accepted belief about childhood memory is that people are really incapable of remembering things from before the age of 4 or 5.  Many of us know this is BS, since we personally can disprove it.  However, what accounts for early childhood memory?

Some people believe that it is verbal ability.  As you gain more language, you are better able to think and remember things in words.  This applies pretty well to ultra-verbal people like me, but I don’t think early memory is limited to those of us who think in words.

Another theory, which I just came across, is that early childhood memory is associated with a sense of the self as being separate.  So once we can identify “me,” we can think about what happens to us.  This typically occurs around 18 months of age, though it is later for many people.  I tend to subscribe to this theory myself, but I think that mostly has to do with the content of my first memory.

I remember my grandma holding me on her hip while my parents climbed up a cliff toward us.  For a long time, I thought I must not have that right, since it seems to be a very strange situation.  However, I asked my mom about it one time, and she said that she and my dad had been into rock-climbing when I was little and had climbed on the Ledges in Grand Ledge (where my grandparents lived).  This event did actually occur, and it happened when I as about 18 months old. 

I think this makes a lot of sense in terms of the second theory.  The memory is basically about seeing myself as separate from my parents, and it even happened at the time when this ability is supposed to develop.

Probably memory is a mixture of things.  I’m sure verbal ability has something to do with it, since rehearsing a memory is what keeps it fresh.  But this theory about sense of self seems very interesting.

So to the reader(s):  what is your first memory?  What do you think is responsible for early memory?

Magnus and I have talked before about how we felt really empowered by the success of our move to Minnesota.  After reacting to the Pfizer layoffs for several months, we chose to act and move here.  I’m not sure if we would have felt so empowered if it had been a failure, but we both worked to make it a success.  We made a choice, and it was the right choice for us.

Getting pregnant is both the same and not the same.  We made the decision to have a baby.  We acted (I won’t go into detail on that one).  But really, since then, I feel like I have been reacting.  And frequently, at least for people like me, simply reacting presents an emotional challenge.  It makes me feel powerless and dependant.  I don’t get to feel like myself.

And really I am surprised and disappointed by my feelings about being pregnant.  This baby is something I have wanted for years.  Shouldn’t I be thrilled and happy to be pregnant and just generally thinking positively?  Reading online message boards, that seems to be the attitude of most people.  But I feel like I’m being so negative.  I keep thinking about the changes in my body, about how some things will never be the same.  And I keep worrying about the first few months and how we will handle that.  I miss my Independence and creativity (some of which is already gone).

In truth, it is probably normal to have mixed feelings, and the hormone craziness certainly doesn’t help.  I am generally a very calm and grounded person, so I expect to react a certain way to things.  But no one is that predictable (even me), and when you add hormones into the mix, well, chances are good things will get a little crazy.

I just need to keep in mind that this is a choice I made.  This is really an action, not a reaction.

Okay, this is going to be short but entertaining (at least I think so).

Last night, Rae came over, and she brought fresh sweet corn from a roadside stand.  I was so happy to have an opportunity to use my corn skewers (you know, those little corn-shaped handle things).  Anyway, on my first bite of corn, the skewer on the pointy end came loose, and I stabbed myself in the face with it!  It’s right next to my lip, so it’s not that noticable, but I found it amusing (despite the blood)!

Okay, so I really can’t believe I left the last entry as the one about eating poo.  What is wrong with me?!

Rachel and I went to see “The Lake House” last weekend, and it was fabulous.  I recommend it to anyone who enjoys chick flicks.  Much better than I expected!

Magnus and I have been communicating more about our expectations with the baby.  I keep reading scary information about how much work it’s going to be.  Plus, people keep telling me about how hard it is to take care of infant.  I have been really worried that I won’t have the support I need from him because he won’t realize how hard things are going to be.  However, I had Magnus read an article about this, and he looked up at me with shocked eyes and said, “I’m terrified!”  Somehow, even though it makes him feel worse, it makes me feel a lot better.  I know he will do what it takes to help me, and I know that if we keep communicating, we will figure this out.

I think part of the concern I feel is due to still being pretty tired from the pregnancy.  It’s hard to feel capable of caring for an infant when you can barely get it together to make dinner or do the dishes as it is.  But I just keep reminding myself that I probably won’t be anymore tired with the baby than I was in the first trimester.  And Magnus was a huge help there.  So for right now, I’m doing okay with that – until I read or hear the next scary baby story.

I told Magnus that this will be like baby boot camp.  If we can make it through those first couple of months, we will be able to make it through anything (with the possible exception of the teen years).