Acting and Reacting
Magnus and I have talked before about how we felt really empowered by the success of our move to Minnesota. After reacting to the Pfizer layoffs for several months, we chose to act and move here. I’m not sure if we would have felt so empowered if it had been a failure, but we both worked to make it a success. We made a choice, and it was the right choice for us.
Getting pregnant is both the same and not the same. We made the decision to have a baby. We acted (I won’t go into detail on that one). But really, since then, I feel like I have been reacting. And frequently, at least for people like me, simply reacting presents an emotional challenge. It makes me feel powerless and dependant. I don’t get to feel like myself.
And really I am surprised and disappointed by my feelings about being pregnant. This baby is something I have wanted for years. Shouldn’t I be thrilled and happy to be pregnant and just generally thinking positively? Reading online message boards, that seems to be the attitude of most people. But I feel like I’m being so negative. I keep thinking about the changes in my body, about how some things will never be the same. And I keep worrying about the first few months and how we will handle that. I miss my Independence and creativity (some of which is already gone).
In truth, it is probably normal to have mixed feelings, and the hormone craziness certainly doesn’t help. I am generally a very calm and grounded person, so I expect to react a certain way to things. But no one is that predictable (even me), and when you add hormones into the mix, well, chances are good things will get a little crazy.
I just need to keep in mind that this is a choice I made. This is really an action, not a reaction.
iamsamiam said,
August 25, 2006 at 12:20 pm
The creativity and independence are not gone, remember that. Having a baby is very big business. It’s the reason I always giggle when I hear people making all sorts of plans. You’ll likely find things will be so different than you’ve imagined them to be, but you’ll adjust and enjoy some of these changes. The difference between you and those other forum people may be that you know this – you recognize the depth/weight of this decision and so it’s harder for you not to worry about the changes ahead.
I’m here to tell you having babies does’t end your life. It may not always be easy, but it’s a rich, wonder-filled experience. You get to play with dolls/toys again and have all sorts of excuses for digging in the dirt, reading/making up stories, lying down in your yard to look up at the clouds, or to feel loved and love in a way you cannot yet imagine.
Planning is good – it’s a guide. You’re doing what is right for you and learning to make decisions that affect not just you, but also your baby. It’s a big adjustment, but I know all those years of waiting and these short few months of worrying will be rewarded with the baby you’ve always known, but until now, never met. And in that moment, these worries will melt away as they are replaced by new, more exciting worries.
Just know there are lot’s of mothers going through the same fretting – the same doubts – the same challenges and we’re here to help.
magnus said,
September 8, 2006 at 8:23 am
Babe, because of your normally grounded personality (which is one of the reasons we have always worked so well together), it makes change difficult for you. This time in your life is FULL of change. Your body is CONSTANTLY changing on a daily basis, and we both know that our lives will change drastically when the baby is born. Change is hard for everyone, we just need to move through it and recognize that it is okay. We have each other as a stable platform to work change from, and you have your friends. None of that will change, so rely on that strength through the change.
Anyway, that’s my dime store psychological advice. I’ll go back to my corner now.
Kate said,
September 8, 2006 at 9:41 am
Thanks for being so understanding, sweetie. You are the best.