Um, yeah.

I’m going through a phase of listening to Dar Williams (again) in my car.  I don’t have that many CDs, so I listen to them in shifts (over and over until I’m sick of it for a while). 

There’s a song that has the line, “Am I the habit you’re too tired to break?/ I want you to love me with every step you take.”  This used to mean a lot to me.  I worried about this with Magnus, before we were engaged.  Was he just too used to our relationship to leave it?  I wanted him to love me in a deliberate, intentional sort of way.  This line used to make me get a lump in my throat sometimes.  Anyway, I heard it again today, and all I felt was happy.  I don’t worry about that anymore.  I know he’s here because he wants to be.  I know he loves me on purpose.

The other song that really struck me on that CD is called “The One Who Knows.”

Time it was I had a dream
And you’re that dream come true.
If I had the world to give
I’d give it all to you.
I’ll take you to the mountains,
I will take you to the sea.
I’ll show you how this life became a miracle to me.

You’ll fly away, but take my hand until that day.
So when they ask how far love goes
When my job’s done you’ll be the one who knows.

My mom sang that song at my grandma’s memorial service, and it means even more to me know when I think about the baby.  I wish I had even a tolerable singing voice so I could sing it as a lullaby.

I felt the baby move for the fist time a few days ago.  Since then, it has moved every day.  One day it was even turning flips or something.  I like feeling it move.  I usually sort of think of it as a shapeless flesh-colored thing, but the moving reminds me that it has arms and legs and even some of its senses.  I’m excited to see it on the ultrasound (in 13 days).

I’m not so sure it’s a girl anymore.  I had some freaky spotting last week after a Pilates DVD, and that really made me realize how silly it is to focus on whether it’s a boy or a girl.  I want a healthy child.  Either way, I’ll be happy.  I can’t deny still wishing a little for a girl (all those adorable dresses, the dolls, the tea parties, the princess costumes, the hair styles, the pink bedrooms, the wedding someday, the female relationship), but I will not be disappointed with a boy.  A boy will teach me things about boys.  I don’t know how to be a mother to a little boy, but I’m sure I could figure it out.  We could make forts in the living room and maybe cook together and play board games.  And a mother/son relationship is supposedly different.  Perhaps it isn’t fraught with all the teenage tension of a mother/daughter relationship.

I had a fortune that said, “Your dearest wish will come true.”  I interpreted that to mean a daughter, but now my dearest wish is a healthy baby.  I’ll be so happy either way.

On a side note, I have the best husband in the world.  I like to brag about him.  He makes every day better.  He’s been telling me every day that I’m beautiful, which means more now than it ever has.  He buys things at the grocery store to tempt me.  He goes shopping for baby things when he really isn’t that interested.  He rubs my back.  He buys me flowers.  He helps me with household chores.  He kills spiders even when he’s scared of them.  And the big one:  he dealt with the fungus in the coffee pot.  My hero.