Infinity
Last night I dreamt about the baby for the first time. I mean, I’ve had other dreams, but they basically involved me forgetting to feed or change the baby while I shopped for cute baby clothes at the Gap. Not exactly about the baby – more about my adjustment to the idea of this not being a doll.
So anyway, for the first time last night, I dreamt I saw his face. He had Magnus’s hair color and his eyes were a light greyish blue. In the dream, the nurses held him up for me, and I looked into his eyes and felt this utter happiness. In a way, looking into his eyes reminded me of looking into a three-way mirror and seeing reflections going on into infinity. I don’t mean he was a reflection of me, just that I felt that kind of infinite continuation. There was something ancient there. He was so his own separate person and so real.
I don’t remember much about the other features. The dream was about his eyes, about meeting him and seeing who he was for the first time.
When I woke up this morning, I could look down and see the lump of his head just to the right of my belly button. I put my hand over it and thought about him in there. Right now, he does see infinity. He’s looking at the universe of pre-existence. He’s maybe vaguely aware of the outside world, but his world is so much smaller and so much larger at the same time. I wonder if he dreams.
Samantha Tengelitsch said,
November 2, 2006 at 2:35 pm
This is such a wonderful passage. I bet he does dream.
magnus said,
November 2, 2006 at 4:01 pm
that was a really cool post, love. thanks for sharing.
mel said,
November 2, 2006 at 8:33 pm
agreed with everyone! wow…
Auntie Pat said,
December 4, 2006 at 11:45 am
Beautiful, Katie. That spiritual connection between you exists even now. So cool.
Could you give me Sam’s blog address?
Love you.
Kate said,
December 7, 2006 at 3:29 pm
Hi Auntie Pat! Thanks for reading (though I haven’t been writing much lately). You can access Sam’s blog by clicking on the link “Sam, the Great” from my homepage. Or it’s iamsamiam.wordpress.com.
iamsamiam said,
December 13, 2006 at 1:16 pm
I hope it’s okay to comment twice, but I just re-read this post and was thinking that I find comfort, when I’m worrying about death, that each time Kennedy laughs like me, or Ava pretends she is a horse or Lucy smiles and says “hug,” that in a way, we never really die. I’m so glad you’ll soon have the opportunity to see this for yourself. You’ve already felt it.
Mom said,
December 22, 2006 at 8:51 pm
That is a beautiful thought, Sam. Thanks.
mel said,
January 9, 2007 at 11:54 am
Hey Kate!
When in Feb are you due?
Meg is due the 21st, but she’s looked ready to go since christmas
Boy George said,
May 23, 2007 at 5:37 pm
Oh wait. Yes, I have. I’m sorry, but I just don’t have it in me right now to type it all out again. Besides, it was just ramblings anyway. You didn’t want to hear me go on and on about this, right?